baffled by DEJA VU

I am not quite sure whether to call it deja vu or some kind of imaginary occurrence, but it feels so real that I can visualize exactly what’s in there. Question. Would you consider an event deja vu if it only appeared in a random dream on a good night sleep? Or should it be something that actually happened in the past in the sense that it should strongly imply certainty rather than a mere doubtful fantasy? How would you really consider a deja vu “deja vu”? Argh! Now I feel like it doesn’t even make sense the way I ask it. Hope I’m not grilling butts there, eh! 🔥

I suddenly remember something while I was cooking adobo for dinner. Not that I remember it because of adobo or blah blah blah, it just popped out of nowhere. That’s probably the weird thing about me, I always remember things then I’ll have to think about them deeply if they really happened or not, ntm it leads to overthinking, which is annoying and stressful. Like why would I even think about such? But I want to know because I can’t be doubtful over things because if I’m not sure, I’ll think about those incidents even when I’m supposed to catch z’s. Enough reasons.

I was biking, well I think we were 2 or 3, and it’s probably our dayoff. All I’m sure is that Monica was there with me. Conclusion. We were in Folly Beach, so that was spring 2011 (well I know that because Monica was there and the only time I rode a bike with her was during the work and travel program in US, unless it happened in one of my dreams lol). We ended up to this place– a private place with cottages on it somewhere in West Ashley Street. There was a gate with a little wooden sign on the side, which I believe is the name of the place. All I know was we were strolling around the city. Oh gawd, now I have to cut the story because I couldn’t remember the details.

Well that’s just it. I am just confused if it’s real or not. I couldn’t ask Monica because 1) I don’t have her phone number. 2) I have poor / limited internet connection. 3) I am lazy to leave the bed just to send an inquiry about what’s real or not, because i don’t have poor internet in this bedroom, ya guys, there’s no goddamn connection in this specific spot. KMN.

Just in time, the screen of my device is now on its night shift, which means, I need to put this away from me and catch zzzz’s now. Good night.

sepanx and digging dip

Is it weird to have that “separation anxiety” over a tv show? I know. It’s not even a month and I’ve finished 5 seasons, which is updated btw and I don’t have any idea if there will be a new season for that.

I wonder why I’m hooked on the show, considering that I’m so done with highschool and even college. The underlying truth is I’m enjoying every episode of it. I feel connected to Jenna Hamilton in a lot of ways, like this bitch never grow up and learn. Harsh. That is aside from the fact that she loves to write and makes her own journal too.

There are terms, words or phrases that are hitting me hard. Was I an emotional bomber in the past? or a heart wrecker? Things like these make me reconnect to the person I used to be and in a way, it sucks. Not that I’m like the “bad girl” on the usual TV shows or movies with an evil heart and a devil’s horn, or the mean girl, well more of the latter, but not that really really meanie girl one could ever imagine (the one next to that word, “bitch”). My past relationships make me think about every detail deeply. I don’t want to think that there’s something wrong with me or what. But, is something really wrong with me? There I go. Fvck what a question, that’s not good. Did everything fail because of me? Fvck, stop fvcking blaming..

When I love, I love deeply and honestly. Okay. It’s hard to hold back when writing,  especially when I want it to be free of deceit. I want to be fair for both or all sides. The good part is, it’s also easy to not write what I don’t want to include in my journal, but it means, not being fair. I don’t like it either. DIG DIP – at least that’s what I’ve learned from Ideabin.

Seriously. This is the last time that I’m gonna hold back. I want to write a story that will free myself from the rusty jail of guilt and hypocrisy. I’ll be more honest and sincere, not that I’ve never been that kind, but for the following journals, they’ll be more veritable and amplified. Though, I won’t do things at the expense of others, I will still be CAREFREE, but CAREFUL.

❤ ky

phobia

I’ve never been so scared in my life. I went straight to the emergency area and admitted to the ICU in a trice. i cried, not much but I would get sleep every 2 hours then I would wake up with tears flowing down my cheeks. it’s scary. I was worried about my situation but I was more worried about my parents. I cried not because of the thought of dying or whatever worst thing that could happen, but I cried at the thought of how my parents would want so bad to be here with me in my weakest point. they must be worried now, of course like how any parents would usually feel. I love them so much and I couldn’t take any hint of pain in their hearts seeing me in this kind of frailness. it’s a depressing thought. needless to say, on my first night here, I had a nightmare about my soul being separated from my body. yes, I saw my body in front of my eyes. I saw how the nurse tried to wake me up and bring back to life. I was just there, standing. looking straight to my body being shaken. my tears fell again and all I cared about was my parents. my wander transported back to when I saw my mom almost dying in my face. I’ve never forgotten that. I remember everything. how my dad pulled me out of the scene. how tight his hug was to comfort me. how we both cried an ocean in the corner coz river would be an understatement. remembering right now gives me sting in my heart. the cardiologist probably hadn’t seen anything physically bad in my heart but emotionally, it’s a wreck. it’s creamed by my mom’s episodic travail. until now, it’s hunting me. it’s like a locked-in period of phobia.

The Paradox of Friendship

          I’m a little upset today. Have you ever found yourself in a tight corner because of an involuntary remark from a good friend, oh something that kinda stings? I did. Well not that I heard it but I read it. I just don’t want any of my friends to be comparing my relationship with my other friends. It just doesn’t make sense in any frame of reference. I love my friends, all of them, and even if she didn’t intend to transport such satire, it was completely foul the way I perceived it. Each of them is special in different ways, but that’s it, still everyone is special. I wasn’t angry but I had a burr under my saddle, which was lighter than anger. lol  I don’t want any of my friend to feel less important than the others because it’s not true. It is overwhelming in some ways because having a large-scale number of friends requires us to be planetarily involved in many ways, hence, keeping up with them sometimes could bring conflict and frustration. Now that’s the drawback! SAD.

          As Dr. Brian Gillespie says, “it’s stressful when you’re trying to be too many things for too many people.”. Truth! Shalalalala. So being friendly is ironic. Gotcha! I can’t believe how things can be sooo confusing. My life has been spiraled by the peculiarities in the universe. But dang. I love my friends. And I’m still blessed and lucky for having such an enormous social circle. I can feel the LOVE! I am Loved.

Spread the love ❤ ❤ ❤

xo Ky

Love-Ride

My best friend and I just had a talk about “closure” and “moving on“. I have these things lingering in my mind and I always feel like I’m debating with who else but myself. Who said that 2 heads are better than one? lol I guess this calls for a retrospection, which I think, is an SOS, asap, to intensify it.

I have been single for a while, or fine, TBH, for a long time which is 3 years. dang, I’m the one, ain’t I? 🙌 So what really? I just feel like I’m not in the mood for it. This reminds me of my grandma who told us before that it’s okay if guys court us or fancy us, ‘coz if no one likes us, then obvi, we stink! lol My grandma is quite a mean girl, eh? She’s so cool that’s why I love her! but…. Enough for advertisement. ✌️

3 years, hooooo! I couldn’t imagine I’ve got this far. I recall the times I cried a river for puppy love, true love or all the love love love one could ever imagine. And btw, thanks for all the pain jerks, coz 🎤you’ve made me stronger by breaking my heart, you ended my life and made a better one start🎤 oh gawd, I’m singing. Sorry. I didn’t mean to say the “J” word, I was only trying to put emotion on the song. ✌️ Really. I needed to willingly let go of the grudge so i could forgive myself too. Mercy! Well that song, my friend in college used to sing this in karaoke back then lol. Hi Kath. 😉 I’m currently listening to it and it’s surprisingly a good song huh.

Okay. So I’ve been busy for a while and I almost forgot sipping a little drama about my love life, not that I have one, but I’m clearly talking about the past. Take it from Howie Day‘s Collide, 🎤Even the best fall down sometimes🎤 right! I’m singing again. 🤗 commercial break 😝

My best friend mentioned about the importance of a person-to-person closure to be able to move on. I love that I can discuss things with my bunz(my bestfriend, that’s how I call her and she calls me Kitz) and even debate sometimes coz frankly, not because we’re best friends it doesn’t mean we have common views on every single thing, absolutely NO. But, why we get along is because we respect and value each others’ opinions, even if it means accepting that we can be, partly wrong 😅. Lol partly, of course!!!!

I have these days when I don’t want to talk about things in the past or even to take a glimpse on it. Even if I say I’ve moved on, looking back still sucks. Every part monumentalizes something that I don’t want to relive, something that I don’t want to hold me back. I’ve seriously put so much effort to clear my atmosphere to get into this positive disposition and it would be a mess to let anything or anyone be a major misstep. Oh I give tough love. The truth is, bunz is right, escaping isn’t the only thing, I can’t run away everytime. But running away truly helped me rebuild myself, even if it means leaving my home country and going to a place where no one knows my name or who I really am, oh I’ve gotten this far. I’ve isolated myself from the chaos outside so I could focus on myself, so I could love myself. Awww. I love you Ky. ❤️ 💁🙋 oh, I love you too Ky. PS. I ain’t a narcissist! 😀

Not because I don’t wanna look back it doesn’t imply my resentment over these people and the pain they brought to my life, no! If there is a chance for a person-to-person closure then it would be great to talk things out and clear every blur, but what if there is no possibility of seeing each other? Then my last resort is to depend on no one but myself. I can’t depend onto the person who broke my heart to fix me. I’ve made a way to get out from the ebb. I realize that it’s not important how people hurt me or what they did me wrong, but it is on how I would respond to the stimulus of the misdeed. Besides, it’s not like the blame is only directed to them, I made a mistake too. Nobody’s perfect! The real deal here is my temperament toward the situation. It would smash me, burn me, or even bury me, but I’ve gotta stand up like a zombie. 👻 It’s funny that after a long time of walking away and not looking back, my journey kinda puts me on my guard, not in a way that I would restrain myself from falling in love but, I know better. No one can get away from the pain though. No one. But if you need to run, RUN!!! As fast as you can. Just don’t forget to unpack the unnecessary luggages that would block you from winning your own marathon. Once you reach the finish line, surely you’ll beat the old version of you. That’s the time you can look back. Believe me, you’re just gonna laugh it off. Call that old you “lame”, it’s okay. It’s the past. You have a new life now.

That’s why sometimes, a little detour is alright. Be not scared. oh and ps, enjoy the ride. 🚦🏁🚘

awkward

So I’ve been pretty hooked for a week now to this tv show called “Awkward” and oh I’m almost done with season 2. I know, it’s not quick, mention the workloads I have in the past few weeks. Kill. Me. Now!

I’ve been wanting to write something but I just couldn’t get hold of the perfect timing.  and oops yea, I’m feeling stoked tonight. hell yea, it’s 12:56am already and my mind is maniacally wandering.

It’s been 3 weeks since Pretty Little Liars aired their Season Finale and last week I needed something to fill the emptiness in my life, sounds exaggerated but trust me, I’m on the A team. or maybe not trust me then? lol

I came across this TV show entitled Awkward and it is surprisingly great! I’m into Chickflicks, all that stuff so thankfully, I am all in! Gossip Girl alert. 💁

I don’t know much but the first 2 seasons are pretty interesting. Talk about highschool stuff brought dejavu. Gosh, why am I so kiddish!!!! Jenna Hamilton, she’s the main character in this TV show. Oh and oh, #TeamJake all the way!!! whoop! Sorry Matty McKibben, you’re the main here but who hides his relationship with his girl? seriously? that’s extremely inappropriate. points down to negative. I don’t like him for Jenna (but who cares I’m not part of the show!).  the first impression just kinda left my eyes opened with his unmanly insecurities. one more thing, sniffing his underarms habitually is absurd, not impressive at all. Sorry Mckibben, bad guys are mysteriously hot and sexy but good guys are still good guys. not that Mckibben is a bad guy but he’s the not-so-good guy in the show, or at least, on the first 2 seasons  only. I’ll see. Well my vote goes to Jake Rosati. President, smart, athlete( I won’t call him a jock, nope). he’s just way too cute to be ignored. his love for Jenna is too cute. gawd, I said cute again. but he is so adorable. My heart was poached when Rosati found out about the past of his best friend Mckibben and gf Jenna. he was really hurt! Jenna, quit homewrecking!!!!! sorry, I’m affected. I love Jenna but Rosati could have been perfect for her.

my take on this, well if I am Jenna, I would choose Rosati. easy to say huh. but once I get into her situation, hell but I don’t really know. why can’t things be easy. like choosing between burger and pizza? but  clearly, she had so much pain with Mckibben and she should learn from it. I should learn from it. oops hey Ky you’re not Jenna. ok. Seriously, if you’ve had too much pain from the other, better turn your back against them and never look back until you finally get your shits together. once you’re ready, you’ll know it. and you’ll be happily walking the beautiful path without even noticing the little shredded parts of you that had been broken. leave them behind. don’t bring them again in your luggage. it will be heavy. ❤️

 

Instinct

   

     I’ve never felt so sure about something for a long time. The moment I heard about it, my heart just wants to grasp it. My heart, my soul, my whole self— are all in this together. I can foresee something really great that is bound to happen. I know it, I can feel it. It’s like a harbinger, a now or never choice, a matter of life-and-death. It’s gonna be sacrificial in the beginning, probably, but I see better days ahead.  It’s kinda hard to imagine that some beautiful memories on the road are about to end- for now, but the other path invites me to something beautiful too, but clearer and closer to what my heart desires.

     I brood at the thought of it. This is where the pain starts to fill me out. These little details drain me at a slow pace, but hit me hard deeply. I have no choice but to shut my eyes on the imbroglio as the big picture shines brighter on the other side. The irony of life is a bomb. Really. But I’ve gotta live it while I’m living. I’m not chasing golds and diamonds. I’m not running after luxury. I just want to be happy.

❤ KY

ho-LEI-day at The Cove Rotana Resort

Soooooo! Holiday finally!

It’s my first EID here in UAE and it exactly happened as planned. I remember when I was still a novice in this country (prolly my first 2 weeks), I stumbled across this advertisement in the internet and I was captivated by the beauty of this 5-star hotel located in Ras Al Khaimah (about 3 hours drive from Abu Dhabi). The Cove Rotana Resort. There’s an ancient-feel on the place that made me so interested to step my feet on its ground. A month before EID, my colleagues were already asking about plans and ideas for this 3-day holiday. My inner fantasy butted in so I tried to show some photos to ate Gladz and she suggested the plan to ate Mye. I was in cloud9 when they agreed to this mesmerizing whereabouts.

I couldn’t hide my excitement as I had been anticipating to see the place since I arrived in UAE. September 23, 2015 came, the day, finally. We woke up at 3 am and began preparing things for the trip. We left Abu Dhabi at 4:30am, it was pretty dark outside still but you know, when you’re in UAE, city lights are amazing. 🙂 wooohooo!

Good morning from the crew 🙂

I am defo a sleepyhead during trips so I only woke up when we’re already in dubai. The sunrise was totally amazing! It was so huge in our eyes and we’re like running after it. I could judge by the sunshine that the day would turn out really great. You know, My instinct has this secret intimacy with the sun, oooppz, not so secret anymore! :))))

Coffee sounds great in the morning yiiii-ha! We’re so certified GSP (Girl Scouts of the Philippines), we got everything we needed on the go!

but first, let us take a selfie / groufie, or whatever the he## ya wanna call it!!! 🙂

Happy faces only!!!!

anyone ready? lol

almost there!!!

status update: in DEEP EUPHORIA!

unending pictorials 🙂 we couldn’t help it.

Oh MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!! REALLY.

The eternity pool

nope, that’s not me. 🙂

now that’s me.

 

Who cared about the tan??? We just wanted to have fun…. so after the scorching heat of the sun, we then decided to move to the spa. A lil sauna and jacuzzi sounded ohhhh-wow!

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Let it be holiday forever, but FREE.lol

 

And when it’s almost over!!!!!!!!! You could tell we’re a bit exhausted. Yea, that’s the most exhausting thing to think about, that it’s almost over!!!

 

And oh…. hi! 🙂

A peek…

 

Oh, and oh, the bikini time! 😀

 

 

Did i mention we also dropped by ICE LAND, just real quick. just outside. 😀 oh those cute penguins and sea lions 🙂 Thanks to kuya driver for being so patient all throughout the trip. And forgive our lil girly-chitchat-moments.

 

 

AWWWW. and yea, it’s over. But it’s the best holiday ever!!! in UAE of course. 🙂

I didn’t want this holiday to end, and I know the whole crew felt the same. I love Abu Dhabi though, it’s quiet and peaceful, but this beautiful resort in Ras Al Khaimah took a space in my heart and ya guys, it’s no joke. I love it there. At least one thing in my wishlist had been crossed out now. yey!

To more getaways!!! Cheerio!

 

 

“We must be wil…

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

Plan A, B, C,…..to Z! All about PLANS! Where to go, what to eat, who to meet, how to spend the day when you know you’re gonna be stuck the whole day in the house? We try to be careful in making plans because we want a certain goal to be achieved. I think it’s not all that. People make plans because they are careful, and afraid at the same time. They are afraid of what’s gonna happen, they are afraid that it may not turn out the way they want it to, or maybe, they are just afraid of SURPRISES! We can not expect things to happen the way we want them to be. Life is full of surprises and it’s up to us how we take them! Who knows, the things we never plan ahead, are the things we need exactly in our lives.

kisses,

Ky

Bamboo Charcoal Soap

Charcoal Soap.

PIMPLE. How I hate it. Sorry for hating. I know it’s a bad thing but I couldn’t help hating this tiny thing that could ruin everything. It may sound exaggerating but to all ladies out there, let’s hold our hands together and please please, a moment of silence…… I know you feel me. Year 2011, I started having pimples popping out my face. Blame the burger, bacon and chicken BBQ, 8-12 hours of work, late night joyride, partying/clubbing, midnight grocery shopping, 3:00 AM dinner (or was it even dinner?) and above all, DUST.  I remember those laundry nights and the water turned into black after the first wash of my clothes. Imagine that gross dust collection? All these happened during the Work and Travel Program in USA, specifically, in the beautiful City of Folly Beach, South Carolina. No regrets though, I had fun and it was indeed an amazing adventure, only that pimples felt welcomed even without getting a VIP invitation from me. Gate crashers! Shame on you. Hahahaha

I’ve tried different products to make them go away but they seemed to be so stubborn and clingy. It was only last December 2013 that I found out that products with salicylic acid was causing allergic reaction to my skin. I got those tiny bumps on my face and after few days, they would become pimples with eeewwww ntm pus. I, then, became more careful in purchasing products that I would use. There was also a time when I tried this set of products (let me just call it Brand X) that felt like causing my skin to burn. It stung and I had to be face-to-face to the electric fan to apply them. I hate the process so much. I would say it kinda helped in diminishing the blemishes a little bit, however, it felt like the process seemed to be harsh for my skin. Each product doesn’t have a label so I couldn’t be sure whether I was getting more harm than good. For 2 months of using Brand X, it felt like it stopped working already like it’s doing nothing on my skin. It was August this year when I suffered from the worst breakout in my 23 years of existence and that’s when I realized that Brand X had stopped doing its job. It was a nightmare. Eventually, I gave in to my mom who was constantly insisting me to use this Bamboo Charcoal Soap from Longrich Bioscience Philippines.

At first week, I didn’t feel any vast transformation, although I had pictures taken to monitor it. I still continued using the product because I had high regard for this to work and it’s because it’s natural, so it’s not bad. On my second week, the big bumps already flattened. I continued using it until one time, when I washed my face; I couldn’t feel anymore the usual rocky road on my face (if you know what I mean). It surprised me how it became a lot smoother than it used to be. I’ve been using it for 3 months already and the many-big-bumps have never visited me yet. Unless I have my monthly period or party the night before, of course I would expect pimples to come out, but it’s not a load like making my face a huge pimple ball. Nope! At least they don’t stay that long on my face. How I wish I could fight this insomnia and oh, caffeine. I still have acne marks and minor scars on my face yet I’m very hopeful that this soap would diminish them in time or eventually kiss them goodbye (that sounds a lot better). Hep hep! Hurray! I just miss my poreless face. Awiiii!

I would greatly recommend this to people who want a safer and more natural alternative. I’ve heard good reviews from other people too and it’s amazing (And yes, I know them because they are from my town too). For an amount of Php200, you are surely getting something great from this product. Did I mention it could last for a month too? Hurray for that!

Contact me for details: limkarenlei@gmail.com